This morning is a Monday. I like to take Mondays off to kind of recover from my weekends. My weekends start with me being exhausted from my week and then I usually have to rally on Saturdays and Sundays because of activities and events. It’s nice to be home alone while everyone is at their respective job/school. I aim to relax on Mondays, but let’s get serious…I do a lot of things because I can without interruption. Today, I went and took a walk with a friend, worked on admin stuff for my job, have done a few loads of laundry, did the dishes, made myself lunch and now I am writing this blog, going to write another blog and record a video and work on my social media for my job. Quite a day off, right? I feel like I am in a constant state of managing the mundane and I long for rest and being able to dive into the mysterious and spiritual. My Sagittarius sun and Capricorn moon are always seeming to fight each other. Learn, no do, no learn and then the Aquarius rising says innovate doing both!! Keeps me on my toes! Anywho….

Yesterday was Sunday. I used to go to church on Sundays. Instead I spent yesterday at home working on work. I did have to run to my office, which is 30 minutes-ish away from my house because I thought I left my paper calendar there. I like to look at the weeks/months ahead on my calendar to plan what my work schedule will be and then add that to my digital calendar. Turns out I left my paper calendar at home tucked inside my computer case. ADHD strikes again. If I don’t have it out in plain sight it doesn’t exist anymore. Oh well, I straightened my office some and then drove right back home after not finding my calendar. On the way home I was listening to a mix of songs that included Lord Huron, Hozier and Florence and the Machine. As I was on the homestretch to…home… a song came on by the Hillsong church. For context, I am not a religious person. I used to be and then 2020 happened and trapped me at home away from my church where I got to question everything. I have always been spiritual, and it was the spiritual part of church that drew me in. The rules always rubbed me the wrong way. I have ALWAYS been this way and will die this way.

This song is called Oceans (Where Feet May Fail). Hillsong church has a complicated story of manipulating people through music like any other mega church. It’s very effective because they have figured out what tempos, keys, words, effects make the human nervous system feel deep emotions. They know that people experience bliss when singing together. Needless to say that I ended up in tears in my car. I tried reaching for church imagery and testing how I felt about it. All I could come up with is a spiritual version of me, reaching for me. This may not make sense to you and it does not really make sense, but it feels right. The same way that knowing that Adele is singing to a younger version of herself in the song “Hello”. I miss parts of myself. I miss the version of me that felt comforted by the church, but I cannot go back. I feel really alone spiritually sometimes. I keep reaching for proof that there is some omnipotent force guiding me and protecting me. I love the idea of the Holy Spirit, angels, guides, saints, ascended masters and otherworldly beings existing among us to be with us and support us, but I can no longer buy into dogma of any kind. I just think being human is too complicated to be so black and white and this is right and that is wrong.

Well, I have noticed today that something has been trying to get my attention, to keep me from busying myself with the mundane and distracting myself from the mystery of whatever it is out there or inside here (me). That song came on my music mix (I did not put it there and I have never searched that song) right after thinking about how I used to spend my Sundays at church. Today, I was listening to a podcast and the podcast host quoted the most beautiful quote from the Gospel of Thomas that really hit home to me; “If you bring forth what is within you, what you bring will save you. What you do not bring forth will destroy you.” Sounded a little like Carl Jung’s theory of shadow work to me. Today I was drawn to Alana Fairchild’s Mother Mary Oracle. Seriously, check this deck out. So supportive. I can get on board with female representations of religious figures all day everyday, so when I pulled the card-Our Lady of Holy Fire and read the description I just sighed with recognition. I’ll just put a little snippet of what it said, “The Holy Fire in our hearts is what makes us want to grow spiritually -we cannot help but to feel intrigued by it, feel drawn to it, compelled to work at it and keep going even when it gets tough or seems downright impossible. It is what makes us want to contribute something helpful to the world, to become empowered and truthful about how we live, to want to live with goodwill and genuine desire that all beings become happy and free. That Holy Fire is what fuels us when we are in the dark challenging times in our lives, when we force ourselves through the strength of our inner will to reach toward the divine for help, rather than collapsing in defeat, or drowning in feelings of rejection and abandonment.” Powerful, right? I got the message. I am not alone. I am a part of the divine, just like everyone else, and I am still figuring out what that means with help from the unseen. I live my mundane human life misplacing my calendar, trying to do the best by my family and other people while the divine tries to get my attention to remember who I am.